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The fear of failure has haunted me most of my life. It has even kept me from attempting countless things. Yet I came to a realization yesterday that was almost as scary as my fear of failing, and that is the fear of success. The question could be asked "How is it possible that I can simultaneously be afraid of both things?"
I am afraid of putting myself out there, of submitting my writing to an online journal, or taking a feeding program I developed at work to the next level. Honestly, I am even afraid of publishing this blog post. I am petrified of not only failure but of letting others down, of letting myself down. I am scared that if I fall short in some way that the impact I want to make in the world will cease to exist. The people I want to help through my writing, or the children I want to feed through my program will somehow end up in a place that is worse than before I inserted myself into their lives.
As it turns out, I am equally afraid of succeeding. What if I am published? What if I am able to gather the resources to feed all the children in the county? Can I sustain it? Will people then have even higher expectations of me? There it is again, the fear of failing. It is a cycle, and now that I am aware of it, I want it to STOP!
You see, there lives within me, this little demon of self doubt. She is a tiny terrorist that creeps in when I am feeling the most on track. She pops up her terrifying little head to mock me and make certain I know my place. She is the one who tells me I shouldn't even try. She is the one who makes sure I know that even though 300 children were fed, that there are hundreds, no thousands, more in the community that are hungry. She convinces me it is because I didn't do enough. For being such a vile little creature she sure does think the world of herself. She believes she is all powerful and that the world is propped on her shoulders. She has taken up residence, and I want her gone.
In her place I desire strength, confidence and fortitude. Instead of seeing what isn't, I choose to see what is. To know that there are bellies that are full because I chose to care. To realize there are others that feel the same way I do and need the encouragement to put themselves out there, to try what they fear the most and do so with a spirit of hope. Others with their own little demons, who will read this and know they are not alone.
What are you afraid of? Is failure your arch nemesis? Do you have a crazy little critter trying to thwart your every move? Let's decide today, right now, to send her packing. Let's gather up our doubts and our fears and stuff them in her teeny tiny backpack and send her on her way. Who's with me?
