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As you can imagine, having a blended family lends itself to a lot of compromising. The question is when is it a healthy compromise, and when is it one that ultimately causes more harm than good. When I have a yoga class scheduled and I am asked to step in to help take care of picking up the kids, do I say yes (of course, I can't say no) or do I put my self care first? The thing is, the question is just that, it doesn't have strings or expectations and "NO" is always a completely okay response. If I say no, the kids will still be picked up, but the person asking might have to change their schedule around to accommodate for what they had already planned to do in the first place. If there is fault to be blamed here, it's mine.
I have a really hard time setting boundaries and/or simply saying "NO." So the question I have for you is this, When is setting a boundary, like telling the kids not to speak to me til I have had my coffee okay, and when is it simply bad parenting? When is it okay to say, I really can't get the kids, I am sorry, and when should I drop everything and go running? I have a book called boundaries, I read the first page and had a mini anxiety attack. I couldn't continue because I wasn't sure I could heed the words written within. What if I say no, and people think I am a *%$#^? What if I set a boundary, like asking that communications about scheduling or any important nature, not occur first thing in the morning? Again before my coffee. Would that be rude, would it come across as not accommodating and unkind? More importantly why do I care so much about how I appear to others? Why can't I go with my gut knowing that at the heart of things I am good natured loving person? I would love to hear your thoughts, and to find out if I am alone in all of this. There have to be others out there right? Maybe we could form a group.. but for now I need to call a friend, to see what time she needs me on Saturday, I am helping her move.
You are not alone. I am a people pleaser as well. Although, I have to say since having a kid, I know know that I can't please everyone if I want to be happy. It is still a struggle to say no but it is slowly getting easier. You can do it! Your not a &^&*^.
ReplyDeleteWe are in this together, Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. ♡
DeleteI don’t usually reply to these sorts of things unless I feel overly compelled. So I don’t know if I should be congratulating you on invoking a sense of imperativeness or apologizing for subjecting you to the inner workings of my brain bucket. Either way, here we go…..
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this piece for multiple reasons. Primarily because I am not a people pleaser, in fact, for most of my life I was quite the opposite. I found the idea of always “taking the high road” to ensure everyone else was happy to be a sign of incredible weakness. Now, keep in mind that I was raised by a people pleaser (my mother) and an abusive misogynist (my biological father). I’m sure you can imagine how that played out. More than likely you have seen it firsthand. Seeing and experiencing this kind of calamitous dynamic though out my life and in relationships only reinforced my belief structure and thus ensured that I always kept the world at an arm’s length (or further if I had the option). Kindness and unconditional love were things people wrote about in books, fairy tales, and acted out on TV shows. I believed firmly that people will take advantage of you at any given opportunity; you will be treated merely as a tool and disposed of once you’re no longer needed. After all, consumption is human nature.
I believe the addiction to being a people pleaser is greatly tied up in an addiction to making one’s self vulnerable. There is a raw whimsical kind of beauty about putting yourself out there and even about being the unintentional martyr.
As I previously stated, I have limited experience with this in my own life, however when I was 16 I met a woman and her two children, they changed my life and how viewed people. I now affectionately refer to her as my sister although we do not share genetics, we are chosen family. My sister is people pleaser; well currently she is recovering, but certainly not recovered. Even though she was hopelessly addicted to spreading herself too thin all the time, she did it out of love, real unconditional unwavering love. Her life was very much like my own, full of nightmares, but instead of retracting in the almost sociopathic nature that I did, she still remained open. She remained vulnerable, even when people were awful to her, she “took the high road”, I on the other hand, wanted to rip anyone’s throat out who took advantage of her kindness (after all what are crazy little sisters for). Her unconditional love and acceptance remained strong through her unthinkable hardships. To put it simply, her “people pleasing” was no longer a sign of weakness to me, but a form of inspiration. A resurgence of faith in humanity, in people.
She was the first person to create a safe place for me to be vulnerable. She was the first person to really see me for the monster I had become and she loved me, not in spite of it, but because of it. In turn I love her unconditionally irrational vulnerabilities and all.She became the yin to my yang (how cliché’); Each of us pulling each other closer to the middle ground and learning how to establish healthy boundaries over the last 15 years. She taught me to love unconditionally or not at all and I have taught her to become more fearless. Such a journey we have been on.
While I firmly support her recovering from people pleasing, I am cautious to not push her too hard when I see “certain co-dependent or people pleasing” behaviors that make me want to scream, “For the love of God, stop letting that A$$ hole take advantage of you” or “ I would never put up with that sh*t!”. In the end, I need her to be just a little too far on the other side of spectrum, just as much as she needs me overly logical and intolerant.
While you may be hard on yourself at times for your people pleasing ways, remember this, my sister’s unconditionally loving, high road taking, I can give a little more attitude helped me to be human for without it I could so easily become a monster. If I had to guess, you probably play a very similarly important role to someone in your own life.
Chelsea, I cannot express how much I appreciate your words and your truth. I wish there was a way to show you how I felt when reading your response. It was heart wrenching, soul strenthening and perfect. Thank you for the encouragement, the insight and your stark transparency. You are a beautiful human being, I knew this from the moment we met, and you are correct I do indeed play a similar roll in someone's life very close to me.
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