"Are you Special or something?"

As a Mom of four it can be very easy to get caught up in the taking care of everyone but myself. It can even get to that place where I simply snap. This happened to me recently, and my son was the recipient of my not finding time for yoga and self care. It came in the form of a very sarcastic question..
 "Are you special or something?"
it packed such a punch that as the words flew out of my mouth, I instantly wished I could reel them back in, like a fat slippery fish on a line. He had been arguing with his siblings and I had asked them all numerous times to stop pestering one another. When I finally told them that I was done, that I had simply "had enough!" He looked at me and said "repeat, repeat, repeat, blah, blah blah" and that's when it happened. When I asked him the question that turned the room silent. He burst into tears and ran from the room. His siblings who had been in a full out fight only moments before were aghast at what I had said. "Mom, that was soooo mean, I can't believe you said that, you never say things like that!!" They were right, weren't they, what kind of mom says this to their child? How could I say such a thing? But, I had, it was out and there was no taking it back. Why as mom's do we set such high expectations for ourselves. We try to present this super human façade to our children, and when we slip up, when we say that one terrible thing our children are in shock. Only to be disappointed time and again at the inability to live up to this impossible expectation. I can't deny that if I could take it back I would, but I think something good also came from it. My children learned that I too can lose my temper, that I am human, fallible and most importantly responsible for my own actions. the fact is, as much as I would like to say it will never happen again, we all know that it will. I apologized to him, profusely and expressed that I shouldn't have ever spoken to him in that way. I also learned that my children are forgiving and understanding, and ironically enough they have not forgotten what I said. They remind me every once in a while. Just when I have almost forgotten, they're there for me, to remind me of the time I said something TERRIBLE. It's funny because they can't seem to remember to put their laundry away, or to clean their rooms, or to remove that wet towel from the bathroom floor. Now that the bubble has been burst, and my children know I am not a saint, I am able to relax around them, to be a little more me. This doesn't mean I am calling them names, or swearing or asking them if they are special, but it does mean that I am more comfortable expressing my true feelings. For their benefit and my own, I will be making yoga a regular part of my schedule once again. But one thing I can promise, I will no longer strive for perfection, instead I will try to become the best possible version of me. After all, I do believe that I too am special.

The Animal Room

The search for the perfect house, or rather the perfect home for us, within the area we wanted, price range etc. was a more difficult undertaking that I had expected. When we found the home in which we now reside, I was thrilled at the fact that it had a beautiful sun room. I could envision my husband and I sitting with a cup of coffee, writing together. Each of us deep in thought as we allow our creative juices to flow. You can probably guess this EXPECTATION (yep there's that word again) was not only not met, it was shattered. Or so I believed. We moved in and quickly realized while the house had 5 bedrooms, well 4 and a family room we converted to a master, with no bathroom and a tiny closet not worth mentioning (we'll save that one for another day) there was no real place for the animals to be. With 2 guinea pigs and 2 parakeets needing there own special space, the room I had dreamed of writing in quickly became occupied, and clearly not by me. Every time my husband or children would refer to the sun room as the ANIMAL ROOM, I would cringe, and state loudly

 "IT'S THE SUN ROOM"

The ironic thing was, the smellier the animal room became the more I wished it was clean, and mine, I could picture doing sun salutations, with my yoga mat laid out, candles lit, soft music playing as I greeted the day. This isn't something I had ever done, in any part of the house, ever, but somehow I could see it in this space... if only.. and then Christmas eve came and changed everything. In the last moments before all of the stores were closed we made a decision to add to our family. She was a sweet baby Ferret and her name would be Mocha, she was a gift for my youngest son (who had been overly into video games as of late) and she would be the perfect surprise. Mocha turned out to be such a sweet soul, and the idea of her being alone while we were gone during the day led us back to the pet store to get her a little sister. Her name would be Kahlua, because.. what goes better with a Mocha really?

Mocha, on the table as I write, drinking out of the water while my candle floats

I write this with laughter bubbling up, as I watch Mocha play with our cat Raven, The rain coming down on the glass roof above as Kaluha watches, clearly contemplating joining the fun. I have candles lit, scented ones of course, and the bird and guinea pig cages have been recently cleaned, but to tell the truth I am not sure how much I would care because I have found my space, and this room that I pictured is full of light and warmth and it is more than I ever imagined. Each day I am growing, and trying to let go so I can experience and appreciate more of life. This might come in taking constructive criticism for just that, constructive, and well meaning. Or realizing that you truly don't have all the answers, and in my case it came in the realization that what might be is often not nearly as beautiful as what truly is.

That FOUR letter word

I've been contemplating removing the word S-T-E-P from my household, now I have to admit this isn't something that I have run by my husband yet but I am all but certain he will agree with this new rule. I guess I should make something clear first before I go into my rant about this four letter word. I brought 2 children to the marriage and my husband did as well. To say that it was smooth would be an understatement but looking back I can't think of one single serious incident that still resides in any way for me. That being said, I know that I will never replace my "step" children's mom, nor do I want to. She gave birth to them and has experienced every bit of life with them up until this point. There is a bond there like no other and I know this because I too am a mom. When we first got married I tried to treat them all exactly the same, but one thing I realized is that they aren't the same. I have no memories with my "step" children from before the point in which I met them and started dating their dad. I cannot equally reminisce with them about that terrible, or funny, or crazy thing that happen back in 2007. With this knowledge and acceptance came a bit of peace. Why would I treat them the same as my own when I don't even treat the two of mine the same? They are individuals and what might work when one is feeling down and out, surely will not work with another.

The one thing I do want to create and maintain in our family is unity and this word, this four letter word, S-T-E-P creates a division, a feeling of lesser than, or not completely belonging. I have even seen my children use it as a way to hurt one another. When introducing siblings to a friend at a band concert, "this is my brother, this is my STEP brother." The look on the one labeled as step could only be described as crushed. After this I spoke with them about the idea of omitting the word step from our vocabulary, more of a topic for discussion than a rule being handed down. The littles (this is what I call our two 9 year olds) found this hilarious, "how will we get into the house, without using the Steps?" This is 9 year old humor at its best. In this moment I came to a realization, it isn't the word that creates the division, it is the way we treat one another every single day, in small and big ways. If I create a space of unity, a life filled with family game nights, trips to the bay, encouraging words as they root for one another at sporting events, high fives when they win, and hugs followed by "you'll do even better next time" when they lose. In time this word will be more of a simple definition of lineage and less a way of defining our roles in the family. Everyday, in so many ways we are creating our own memories, our own family, things in years to come that we will look back on and say, remember when "Claire laughed so hard at Jake's joke that strawberry lemonade came out her nose and ended up all over her burrito in 2015?" Families are not born, they are made in every single moment, filled with intention, making us the good, the bad, the ugly and the wonderful too. So for now, the word step will remain, as a simple place holder, and more importantly so we can continue to get into our house.

I'm expecting

It's early morning and I am up, begrudgingly, coffee by my side helping to dissipate the discontent.  Our Christmas tree is up too, and while I am certain it wouldn't win any sort of award it is beautiful none the less. Expectations have been on my mind lately, I once had a friend who was planning a vacation, you know that thing where you leave home and explore new amazing places? I thought I would define it for all of those Mom's, and Dad's out there who haven't experienced one in quite some time. Anyway, she expressed to me that half the fun of her vacation was in the planning, and more so in the anticipation of where they would go, what they would do. How the sand would feel between her toes, the delicious first sip of a perfectly salted margarita on the rocks. Now, before I have you wanting a drink, at whatever hour it is that you are reading this I will get to my point. When did expectations become something that were bad? When did it become something that we should avoid instead of embrace? In yoga I have learned to let go of the day, of all expectations and simply be, relax into myself, into the embrace of the moment. While I can admit, yoga has saved me a lot of heart ache, or at least eased it, and helped me to be a better mother and wife, I still believe that it is okay, even healthy to have expectations.


The secret doesn't lie in the not having of them but rather in the reaction when they do not come to be. I had pictured a Sunday afternoon of baking with Christmas music filling the air, as we pulled out our massive collection of ornaments, some mine, some his and some ours. We would reminisce and tell stories, finding ourselves missing loved ones long gone and laughing over the many handmade ornaments, filled with love and good intentions. As you can guess this is not exactly how things played out. My husband had a different vision and it included cleaning the garage while the tree stood naked propped against the living room wall, begging to be dressed.


You can imagine how the garage cleaning went, a lot was accomplished but arguments were a plenty. If I had to guess I would say that 1. The kids had an expectation closer to mine and 2. They don't like cleaning (go figure). I wish I could say that I handled this well. The simple truth is, I did not. I became irritated, emotional and disappointed over my vision, my expectations not being fulfilled. After a good-ish night sleep I can see it in a different light. The joy that I experience from my expectations was worth the disappointment when they did not come to be. More importantly I need to learn to readjust and embrace each moment. I could have chosen to make a game out of cleaning the garage, getting out the ornaments should have been a reward for a job well done.


 To be fair I need to say all of the things I had hoped for did happen, mostly.. there may have been more bickering during the process than the "blended bliss" I had imagined, but the bread was baked, the tree was put up and the stockings were too. And when I saw the stockings,

my heart soared, for there they were, all together on one side of the fire place. When I asked why they were all on the one side, the children quickly replied "because we didn't want to be separated." That, right there, was worth it all. Better than anything I could have hoped for. So here's to expectations, the ones met, the ones that fall short and the ones that far exceed our dreams. And more importantly, here's to embracing each moment.

The D word

I am divorced, well actually I am Married (Very happily I must say) but for anyone who has gotten a divorce, it leaves an imprint on you. Forever you will carry around this "scarlet D". I guess it is what you take from the experience that can change how you wear it. For me it is little more than a water mark left to remind me of the things I won't ever do again and the ways that I will never again let myself be treated. As I said I am re-married and  I now sleep with the love of my life every night. We sleep intertwined and only move to shift and reorient the position of our spoons. This man reads me poetry and makes my heart swoon. He also frustrates me, pushes me and encourages me to step outside of my comfort zone. My husband is not perfect but he is most certainly perfect for me. He is witty, loving, intelligent, strong, inspiring, and a wonderful father too. He pushes me to be the very best version of myself and he believed in me when I felt worthless. When we do get into it, and argument ensues, we work through it quickly and somehow our bond only seems to strengthen. It was my faith, my belief in a man like this, in a partnership, a loving passionate relationship that allowed me to finally leave the unhealthy, unfulfilling, relationship and though the path was the hardest of my life it was and is still the most fulfilling. After I left, I grew to realized that the love for myself and my truth should have been what empowered me. In the past couple of years my skirts have become longer, my expectations higher, my limits less and my belief in the idea that anything is possible is not only strong but it's being tested as we speak. There are many more changes to come as I leave behind the large breasted, ditzy persona of years past. The woman I am, the soul which resides in me has leapt and no matter how things turn out I am certain that I am all the better for it.