That FOUR letter word

I've been contemplating removing the word S-T-E-P from my household, now I have to admit this isn't something that I have run by my husband yet but I am all but certain he will agree with this new rule. I guess I should make something clear first before I go into my rant about this four letter word. I brought 2 children to the marriage and my husband did as well. To say that it was smooth would be an understatement but looking back I can't think of one single serious incident that still resides in any way for me. That being said, I know that I will never replace my "step" children's mom, nor do I want to. She gave birth to them and has experienced every bit of life with them up until this point. There is a bond there like no other and I know this because I too am a mom. When we first got married I tried to treat them all exactly the same, but one thing I realized is that they aren't the same. I have no memories with my "step" children from before the point in which I met them and started dating their dad. I cannot equally reminisce with them about that terrible, or funny, or crazy thing that happen back in 2007. With this knowledge and acceptance came a bit of peace. Why would I treat them the same as my own when I don't even treat the two of mine the same? They are individuals and what might work when one is feeling down and out, surely will not work with another.

The one thing I do want to create and maintain in our family is unity and this word, this four letter word, S-T-E-P creates a division, a feeling of lesser than, or not completely belonging. I have even seen my children use it as a way to hurt one another. When introducing siblings to a friend at a band concert, "this is my brother, this is my STEP brother." The look on the one labeled as step could only be described as crushed. After this I spoke with them about the idea of omitting the word step from our vocabulary, more of a topic for discussion than a rule being handed down. The littles (this is what I call our two 9 year olds) found this hilarious, "how will we get into the house, without using the Steps?" This is 9 year old humor at its best. In this moment I came to a realization, it isn't the word that creates the division, it is the way we treat one another every single day, in small and big ways. If I create a space of unity, a life filled with family game nights, trips to the bay, encouraging words as they root for one another at sporting events, high fives when they win, and hugs followed by "you'll do even better next time" when they lose. In time this word will be more of a simple definition of lineage and less a way of defining our roles in the family. Everyday, in so many ways we are creating our own memories, our own family, things in years to come that we will look back on and say, remember when "Claire laughed so hard at Jake's joke that strawberry lemonade came out her nose and ended up all over her burrito in 2015?" Families are not born, they are made in every single moment, filled with intention, making us the good, the bad, the ugly and the wonderful too. So for now, the word step will remain, as a simple place holder, and more importantly so we can continue to get into our house.